thirty three. i don't know why, but it has a nice peace about it. not since i was 22 have i felt a balance that comes with a number. so funny.... i will never pretend to believe and or think i have it all figured out, just yesterday i was a hot mess, the flighty behaviors of my off kilter teens revisited, as they sneakingly do.
but on to today, right now rather, everyone asleep, i set alone poolside, candlite, and under about four stars. though few, still way pretty and I am stoic in their company. sipping wine, listening to music, perfectly created for me via me pandora style, a somewhat overly indie slow pace.
all that maybe a wreck in this moment is simply caviler, granted with a little personal time and space. two days before my birthday and i just want to be...., me.
its funny how life, growing up, marriage, kids and expectations create something you want to be and then you find your self in moments where you know better, you just want to be you. free. as light as the soft clouds above, and the frog ( i just met skimming my pool).
i always wanted to be who i am meant to be, sometimes i find in the reality of life; its a real challenge. so often i just want to be here, where i am confidently and consciously connected to me.
i harbor ideas that if only other people really understood or KNEW who i am, would it be lovely or a shock. nothing strangely out of the ordinary, but i know i would be just a bit surprising.
...most possibly to the notions regarding my crazy drive, pursuing my passion and how it all fits together, and how it will happen.
its interesting and a bit cathartic that i am understanding a new light where I am finding appoval of others of little concern. each year adds less reason to be nothing but yourself.
i have felt freedom, in many degrees, mostly knowing i have a future beyond the earth, that heaven awaits me.
in obvious days, these feelings where expected, when i left home for Maui or new york for the unknown, all alone, open to receive experiences, growth, trepidation packing a little carry on to go with.
those days when it was wildly recking wide open spaces. sometimes i go back there or my childhood and just resonate, crazy the places and driven paths that brought me here.
somewhere i met gratitude, somewhere in time, my time.
i know my life is but a flash, a dash as they call it. funny. i don't want to think of my personal purpose as a dash, but as run on period............ resting in the soft energy that my place my print, will not go forgotten but like a wave, be felt, be sought, be a refreshing and memorable respite for those who gather close to my heart and me to theirs.
life is obviously a personal ride and mine has surprised and verified at times that my purpose is....... greeted by variables and my serendipitously spontaneity ( if i have any part), but what remains true is that I am becoming me
. so last year at this time i did my big 32 random act of kindness followed by a giant rad----icluous sixties party. this year, i am happy to let 22 i mean 33 wash over me, like a refresher.
i will spend time giving to others as a small speck in the scope to my substantial blessings, and relish in the company of those who love me most.
i have been told, even uncomfortably confronted on my wild spirit, young at heart, old soul... bit, some people will never get it, but as i have stated, let me, be me 33, spontaneous, freespirted, flighty, squirrley and whatever.....
its great to be living in my own skin, genuinely, when its a whirlwind for some to deal with.
as i listen to the song "gravity" i become transparent- told that i am wounded and have been loved because i am fragile, i will take it..... thats just who i am supposed to be, and I am lovley
33. its another april 6, but for me, a day etched in my dash, where believe the last year, is a gift, and i am forever better.
cheers to the small yet unforgettable 33.